A dream within a dream

Take this kiss upon the brawl
and in parting from you now
Thus much let me avow-
you are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
yet if hope has flown away
in a night, or in a day,
in a vision, or in none,
is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream

I should amid the roar
of a surf-tormented shore,
and I hold within my hand
grains of the golden sand-
how few, yet how they creep
through my fingers to the deep,
while I weep-while i weep.
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
one from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?

I'm not okay

Been thinking about this issue for quite a long time. Someone asked me :"How's your studies? Do you you enjoy it?" I stared at him for a moment, then answered:" It sucks." He said:" well, try to learn how to enjoy it." I paused for a moment, then said:" well, i've been trying for 2 years. I'm now a semester away from graduation and i'm still learning on it until today." He was went silent, paused for a moment then excused himself.

I don't blame him either. I mean it's okay to struggle in studies, who doesn't? If the person can breeze through a course easily then why did he studied in the first place? Either the college standard sucks big time or the person is just too bright. But what i'm refering here is, i don't mind facing tough subjects or nearly impossible tasks. In fact, the harder the challenge, the happier i am to tackle it. I can stay whole night and possibly even not sleep just to nail the problem. But the question we are talking about here is not the difficulty but the area of interest.

Ask Bill Gates to take up bakery classes. Ask Warren Buffet to take up knitting. Better still, FORCE a straight A's-scoring music-hating student who wants to do IT, medicine, law, engineering... whatever shit that you can name other than music, and FORCE him to study music, only music alone. He has two choices, either to obey his parents or leave the house and pursue his own passion - IT, medicine, law, engineering... Now reverse the situation.

You know, for the last two years studying IT in KL, as a do-or-die IT student i've been practicing guitar more than practising programming codes. I've been searching for guitar-related-stuff more than IT-related stuff. I've been hanging out more with musicians than with programming nerds. I will never visit IT centre in any shopping mall and i will still try to find a music stall even if the shopping mall doesn't even have one. i'm writing and recording songs where my final exam is starting tomorrow. I can frankly tell you that i've forgotten everything i've learnt, even the simplest programming i'm not able to do. I'm as good as a total programming idiot.

I believe you already have a very clear picture of me. What have i been doing for this two years? Two years wasted in KL. Two more years wasted back in Ipoh studing useless shit in Informatics. Wasted RM32k in studing something i hated the most, and the best part is i have to pay for the fees myself.

Since i'm already paying for it, why can't i choose the subject i like? Yeah good question. Don't you think i know that?

"Study hard, get a good job, then you can earn big money." yeah what a sweet phrase. What's the point of studing a professional course? To earn big bucks. Do prostitues earn big bucks? Hell yeah they do, the more valuable they are the more money they earn. So what are well-paid lawyers and doctors considered as? Executive prostitues? Well why not? Sounds good, since they only want to earn big money.

"what can you earn by playing guitar?" good question. Worst case scenario is i might even starve to death on the street... but it's the chance i'm willing to take. It's useless for me even if i'm the world's best programmer, i see no achievement in it and find no fulfillment even if i did. I've given myself ample time to like the shit i'm currently doing but the feeling is just as bad as the day i was involved in it. I still hated it more than ever. Life's too short to be doing the wrong stuff, especially the stuff you hated all your life. IT sucks.

some things are in a way related

Today was quite a sad day. On my way to cellgroup my dream car passed by as i was walking across the road- a Toyota Supra. My eyes wanted to take a closer look at the car as it stopped at the traffic light, but I refused as i have this wierd ego in me- what's the use of admiring something you can never be able to have? Don't get me wrong. I've been in love with Toyota Supras since i was 12, way long before it made it to the films in Fast and furious, and i know every inch and every detail of it, from engine specs to performance, from every ability and every weakness it has. It might sound funny to you but as for me, to meet a Supra each time for me is like seeing the girl which I will never be able to be together with. In short, everytime i see a Supra my heart will break. Life is so unfair. Why does others are so fortunate to be able to own something which i like so much? Yes i know, do not fix my eyes on worldly things. God if it's okay, please bless me...

Hopefully dreams come true

It must have been love

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
Leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
There's air of silence in the bedroom
And all around.
Touch me now,
I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love
But it's over now.
It must have been good
But I lost it somehow.
It must have been love
But it's over now.
From the moment we touched
'Til the time had run out.

Make-believing we're together,
That I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside
I've turned to water
Like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard Christmas day,
I dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now,
It was all that I wanted,
Now I'm living without.
It must have been love
But it's over now,
It's where the water flows,
It's where the wind blows.