I....

Lord i wish i can cry. A really great one. I feel so helpless. I don't know. Somehow there is a burden in my heart. This self denial is really painful. I feel like such a hypocrite. Lord i don't want to carry on like this over and over again. Is it better to tell the truth or to carry on?

"I love you because of who you are."

Is this a good reason?

Goodbye

For a year i've waited... for an answer. A firm answer, whether to continue to hold on or to let go. And thank God for finally giving me a confirmation for that answer. Not an answer i would want to get, but at least i know where my stand is.

Maybe i've placed too high hopes on humans again, which in the end disappointed me. Well, who doesn't? We always hope that someone will just understand us and know what is inside our hearts, without saying a word. And we will always hope for a miracle that someone will change just the way we want them to be. But how often does it succeed?

I'm a slow learner. I wonder when will i start to apply the lessons in life that i have gone through so that i will never make the same mistake again. Like it or not, i just found out that i can lie to myself so easily so that i can give myself a good excuse just to continue to hope for the best, even though i know it will never come to past.

If there is only a reason that i should wait, even though i have more reasons than that, it is how much you loved God. But if this is what you cannot fulfill, then i see no reason to hold on and i feel that i should let go. There i go again, giving myself thousand and one excuses that you have your own reasons to do so even as i write. I hate to say this, but i have to confess: God is not in the highest place in your heart.

Dear friend, i still love you no matter what. But you should examine yourself again. Nothing comes before God and nothing can ever be more important than God in your life. This is for your own good. Take care.

Mother... i'm really sorry... i love you

Suddenly i miss my mother. If i'm not mistaken, i've not had any real conversations with her since i was 13. We had a lot of misunderstandings and alot of miscommunications. Most of them ended up into mindless quarrels and arguments which caused alot of damage to our relationship between mother and son. It seem pointless for me to talk to her anymore, as it will always turn out bad in the end.

Years passed, and we never talked anymore. I still get the usual spanking and discipline from the rod from her, and each time she does it i hated her more and more. I'd rather she tell me straight ahead that she don't love me anymore rather than for she to use the rod as an excuse to express how much she love me through discipline where the fact is for her to vent out her anger. I hated her to the point where i start carve words on my desk to curse her that the day will come where she will die faster.

Years seemed to pass by faster and before i know it, i've already graduated high school and i'm in KL studying in college. The moment i've dreamt for so long has finally come. At last i can move out of my house and never to return back and see my mother's face anymore.

As i stayed longer in KL i soon felt that something was missing. I used to felt that my mom's cooking was terrible and i envy those who are able to eat out. But now, outside food didn't taste the way i wanted them to be. No doubt they taste good, but they lacked something... which is the extraodinary love and care. Maybe i just know it subconsiously, but i didn't really notice it, which was the effort it took mother to really clean each vegetable leaf to make sure the insectiside is thoroughly washed away. It didn't really matter whether the food taste good or not, it was the amount of love and effort poured into an ordinary dish to express a mother's love to her beloved son to make sure he has a healthy diet.

You may be surprised, i never remember my mom's birthday. All these years i've never cared to find out about her birthday and i just seem to let them pass by year after year. Even as Mother's day comes each year, i'll just act as if it's just another ordinary day which is something i'm not supposed to celebrate, as if i have no reason to. Right, i feel that i should be stoned to death even right now.

Even as i'm writing now my heart is so broken and i felt so bad because i've just start to realize how much hurt my mom had been going through all this time. Imagine, a mother bring up a son who was never grateful for what she had done all this while and in turn cursed her back instead.

I thank God for changing my life again, that i am able to see things in a whole new persepective, which i was not able to see and to be grateful before, Lord i thank you for my mother. I thank you so much that my mother is the mother who is unique whom you have specially chosen and given to me and to me alone, that she is not like other peoples' mothers, whom i used to envy so much. Just because they are able to give their children what they want doesn't make them what i want for as my mother.

"Mother, forgive me, for i have been a disobedient child all this while. By right i have no right to be called as your son anymore. I've sinned against God and against you. I thank God for you because of who you are, your relationship as a mother to me. I appreciate ever meal that you have prepared for me, as each meal no matter how good it is, you always prepare with the best that you can ever offer, which displays your love and care for me. I appreciate every late night check on me whenever i'm feeling sick, just to make sure my fever has reduced and to leave a pair of Panadols and a glass of water by the side of my bed just in case my fever comes back again. I'm sorry for all the evil things that i've done, to be able to have the heart to curse you where you have bore me for so long and the pain you went through to bring me into this world, where i can have the chance to know my Creator, my God. Mother, please give me a chance to make up for the things i've done wrong to you."

"Lord Jesus, with all my heart i give thanks to You for my mother, whom You have specially chosen for me. Lord i'm sinned against You for being disobedient to my mother and not giving thanks for her. Lord i've broke her heart so many times that i'm ashamed to count it. Lord forgive me for i know nothing and i'm not able to appreciate the best that You've given to me. Lord thank you for opening my eyes once again that i am able to realize how much my mother meants to me. Lord bless my mother with good health. Lord renew my relationship with my mother and make a way for us so that we can find back those moments where we had lost. Lord i want to ask that You can just speak to her personally even right now and open up her heart so that may Your good news be spread to her through me as her son. Lord i believe this is the best present i can ever give her, which is the Love of Jesus to come into her life. Lord continue to protect her and Lord please reveal Yourself to her. Thank You Father for this time. Thank You Lord for Your healing. Give You all the praise and all the glory in Jesus name, amen."

"Mother, you are the queen of my heart. I love you now and forever."

Hair raising...

Sorry readers... it's been a long time since i've updated my blog. I'm fine, it's just that I'm so busy with my stuffs i hardly have time to post anything here.

first thing is, I've cut my hair...~! finally... it's really hard to believe... even for myself. I've been keeping this hairstyle for almost... i forgot when... but want to give God the glory because it's more than just a haircut and a change of hairstyle itself. It is a breakthrough, spiritually. A strong and firm one.

Still remember that freaky thing that crawls out from the T.V in the movie called 'The Ring'? I basically got influenced by the idea of my hairstyle from that movie. Me, able to look like a ghost... cool... I know i just got to have those "long curtains" to cover myself up... looks and sounds mysterious to me. God knows why, maybe I'll look scary and creepy when i headbang... muahaha *evil screech...

So before i know it, my hair was almost covering my whole face...

...But... practically that hairstyle was more and more unapplicable in my daily life, especially when i have to attend class... i tend to freak people out... my first impression to people were... wierd fellow... especially my parents. They even threatened to disown me if i do not do something about it.

Well, may people tried to talk me into cutting my hair short, but most failed. Actually you can't really convince me to cut my hair, unless you creep on me middle of the night while i'm asleep and cut my "curtains" off.

Then it was when during FCC Bible reading campaign where i came across this verse in I Corinthians 11. 14 : "Do not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" that i felt that God wants that "curtain" to be removed so that i will beam with His glory. I felt the same. The Bible says, we are a walking banner for Jesus. I whouldn't want to lead a new believer into have doubts on my belief that it is not something healthy and will make him end up looking like me *laughs...

So in the end, after a simple prayer of submission to God, i went for a total hair service. Erm... that's so not... me. But heck, i'm done, at least people do complain i kind of look better than them. Well, the world is just so not fair, readers, keep that in mind.

But one thing i believe is God is proud of me. I can be sure of that. Thank you Father for your blessings upon me. And one more thing, that will be the last long hair i'm gonna have for the rest of my life. Cheers.