broken promises... sorry God (tears)

... i'm disappointed with you. i'm really disappointed with you. i'm even more disappointed with myself. i'm a failure. why must you be the chain of my heart that it will defeat me? i thought i've overcame you. i thought that through this time you've learnt alot and you will grow over it. i also thought that through all this time i've also learnt alot and i've grown over it.

i'm writing with a broken heart... a broken heart and a broken promise that failed God and also disappointed you and myself.

What good is he? what are the things he did that made you so hard to let him go? Where were him where you need someone to comfort you? Where were him when you heart is crying out for him and every tear was shed for him and only for him alone? Where were him when you sacrificed so much that you even decided to keep every pain and hurt and guit all to yourself to carry? Where were him all this while? You tried every way possible that he will be able to understand how you feel... but where were him? Did he try to understand? Did he try to even care?

You've already written countless times, it is not worth to be grieving like this... and what are you saying in the end? Even without him, you're willing to wait till the end, knowing that he will never return, but you will still continue to wait... and you will still think of him... and you felt that you owe him your life... and you will submit to him for everything he request upon you and whatever he wants you to do you will do... because of something you've done in honor of God?

if it's possible i even want to slap you awake so that you really know what you are actually saying yourself...

i'm rebuking myself at the same time...
i wanted to give you up and live over it... but i didn't know that you are still someone so important... to me... i tried... i wanted all my heart to give you up and that God will ONLY be the one and only person that i'm willing to give my heart and my life and to die for... and until tonight i've only realized that i've failed Him in every hope He has on me... and also myself... and also you. i tried... i really tried...

just want to let you know that, like it or not, every pain you're going through is also every pain i'm going through...it's a fact... unless i'm lying to myself

p.s: those who do not understand the situation stay free from my comment box