Is there a problem in me?

lately i've been having problems relating to people. Is it me or is it you who feel that i'm hard to communicate with. Every word i speak is not heard or replied with silence. Somehow there is a barrier in between me and people. I try to make the first move each time, i try to make interest and join in every conversation but mostly i'm being rubbed off, left off or just plainly entertained, no more than that.

Do i look transparent? I doubt that. I can still see myself in the mirror. Brothers, sisters and friends, i'm just being honest here. It's already a tiresome task bearing the name of Christ and doing God's work. You know it better than i do. If possible, a little support and coorperation perhaps? Please cut the silly cold war crap. If you have anything against me, please let me know. I will not hesitate to apologize to you if i need to.

Close your eyes and feel with your heart

Watched a chinese movie called Fly me to Polaris. If i'm not mistaken, i've watched this movie five times, and it never fails to make me weep until i choke. I don't want to explain what this movie is about. If you feel that life is hopeless, meaningless, too tired to face tomorrow or just unable to cry even if you want to, this is the movie for you.

Nothing much. I'm happy and also sad at the same time. Had a wonderful day, a day i could only dream of, and God through His mercy granted me. Thank you Lord Jesus. And as it goes, all good things have to come to an end. That is life. The transition from joy to sorrow is where i suffer the most. And as i was browsing around in my closet before going to bed, i found this movie.

Tears of refreshment is what i'm looking for. Tell you the truth i somehow enjoy the process crying. It makes you choke and cough, and later brings comfort and encouragement. It softens your heart that seems so hard and cold.

We have our own hopes. Sometimes when the hope you hold on so much doesn't come to past, you get so discouraged, sometimes to the fact you break down and cry. You get so disillusioned that you are willing to give away everything in exchange for the wish you hope for. But things stay the same and you cannot change reality.

Sometimes being able to see may not be a good thing. You only see the outside and you cannot allow yourself the chance to understand the inner side of something, especially the heart.

Try to pause for a moment, feel your surroundings. Think of the people that means alot to you. Do not describe the person by how you think the person looks like through your eyes. Describe the person through your heart, as you feel. Sometimes we may miss out the special things about a person which we can so easily overlook when we see through our eyes.

Close your eyes, Come back to the purest state of your mind, and see the world through your heart.

Where can my love go

Thoughts of you start appearing in my mind again... hate it. There goes my day, filled with grey clouds and gloomy. And it has to rain... darn it. Was going back after having lunch with a friend. My clock reads 6.45 pm. Streetlights have already been turned on and the sky has already turned dark. I can't stand it... my heart is too heavy for me to carry anymore. pick up my phone and started to write a message, but i can't send to her anymore. There's no point in doing that anyway. The worst thing you can ever feel is you want to express your love to someone you cannot express to. Finally sent it to someone else - my mom. Thank God it for it. Reached the end of the lrt station in Kelana Jaya. It was raining as heavily as ever- and i don't have an umbrella. Without thinking much i just walked into the rain back home. Wonder why tears start falling...

Rainy days...

rainy days... hate them. Makes me down and blue. Sigh... class starting tomorrow. Having some hang ups now. Not that i'm on booze, but my year end holiday's been too great, and it's not a good feeling that everything fun has come to an end. Had a good time spending Christmas, especially when someone you hope to see is together with you. Why do you keep appearing on my mind everytime? Well... when you start to dream it will start to grow and hurt you in the end. And everything good has to come to an end someday. I already have tonnes of warnings, but let's just say that i'm a sinner and i will never be able to learn my lessons well. God have mercy on me... Whoever you are, a hug will be nice... let's just end here i'm starting to talk crap... whoever you are... just leave me alone.

Sabah youth camp

one word... life changing. Went to Sabah Tell The World youth camp organised by the diocese of church of Sabah. Departed from KL on the 22nd to stay in Sandakan until the 26th where the camp starts. This is my first time sitting on an airplane. Halleluya all praises and thank you to Jesus for giving me such an opportunity. It was really a great holiday retreat for me from the overspeeding life style in KL.

Sandakan is a small quiet town. You can see one of the best sceneries in Malaysia there, from mountains to trees. The lifestyle is super slow... people driving at 40km/h... try imagine that. Thanks to Michael my cellgroup leader for providing me accomodation at his home. Boy was i well fed... everyday the first thing we wake up was to think of where to eat meal after meal. Thanks to Michael's mom and aunty Grace (sophia's mom) for such a great hospitality and good food. My first time celebrating Christmas in Sabah... cool... We had barbecue in Sophia's house. Sabah chicken... i should have bought a few back. Once you've tasted Sabah chicken you would'nt want to eat chicken from other places. It was like what the Bible said, when God pours down His blessings it will overflow until you cannot contain it anymore. Praise be to Jesus.

Visited some beautiful churches for Christmas eve service in Sandakan, St Michael and Good Shepherd church. Good Shepherd has this local old timers feel.. maybe the message was preached in Hakka so i felt a bit out of place. But other than that was a great experience as there were also great performances by the locals. Went to St. Michael church next after Good Shepherd's service. St. Michael's building is really awesome... it was built by the British long time ago and the building has this traditional mideval feel... which i wanted to visit for so long. Wish that my wedding could take place there... yea dream on.

Christmas day was totally sweet and pleasant. Being together with people whom i love and care, just being merry, relaxing and eating all day long, especially Christmas dinner, which was the barbecue. That is what i call togetherness and fellowshipping. Christmas couldn't have been better than this.

Woke up early on the 26th to get ready for the camp. We were taken to another even remote town in Sabah called Telupid. The trip was almost 2 hours long, passing by oil palm plantations and more oil palm fields. Finally we reached to the valley of blessing, where the youth camp was held. First thing was, i was assigned to sleep in the tent on the field outside named "Africa1". How sarcastic... The male washroom, cool... you can't get anything better than sharing your bathing time with five guys butt naked next to you. This is what we call "learning to share the best we have"...

First night, plenty of mosquitoes. Thanks to Tracy for the insect repelent. Woke up 4.30 am feeling terribly cold so wrapped myself with the sleeping bag. Water was dripping all over me above as there were leaks all over the tent... talking about a good night's sleep.

Second night, thanks to a whole day's rain our tent were flooded. Seen titanic? imagine boards, shoes, sleeping bags and stuff floating everywhere above the water filled with mud. Soaked shirts and pants... ewe... Instantly we turned refugees seeking everywhere for an availble space to sleep on... respect to those people who were packing their stuff and singing:" Tell the world that Jesus lives, tell the world that, tell the world that..."

Funny thing is, i found out that a person in my group was a non christian and didn't understand a thing preached throughout the whole camp. The poor fellow was brought there by his friend and didn't know it was a church camp. Took the opportunity to share the gospel to him. Praise Jesus halleluyah. Although he haven't accepted Christ but i believe a seed was sown and by God's grace he will be touched by God one day.

Well... so the camp went quite smooth. Got to see our rev. arch bishop and arch deacon and some knowledge about the foundation of the Anglican church. Rev. John and rev. David were serious jokers. Powerful sermons were preached. Got inspired by other respected people like Jonathan tse. God spoke to me alot throughout this time. I believe i'm prepared for the coming year now.

I'm sorry if i acted wierd sometimes, if you know my story you will understand.

Anyway God bless and take care.