Tomorrow's way

I want to destroy the moment
I want to cling to the moment
I don't understand myself

I expect to be able to make a fresh start
Even if I try to hide in an unfamiliar town
I think of the present [beyond] the window

I want to run away from the urges
I'll be confused by doubt until I run away

If I follow my memories that were torn to pieces
I can return to that time
like a boy someday

If living is a battle,
you can't help but win or lose
I know that much

My heart is pounding out of control from running towards tomorrow
from the shock that made me want to cry

I don't want to stumble over someone's words
I don't want to be confused

Surely tomorrow will be shining too
It's ok not to return to your younger days
I'm a coward about tomorrow's way of my life, but
I'll be standing on the path I can't turn back on

You were born to grant [my wish]
I imagined the universe in my younger days
I'm a baby, I won't cry
in order to get what I want
If this is pain, it's so good

broken promises... sorry God (tears)

... i'm disappointed with you. i'm really disappointed with you. i'm even more disappointed with myself. i'm a failure. why must you be the chain of my heart that it will defeat me? i thought i've overcame you. i thought that through this time you've learnt alot and you will grow over it. i also thought that through all this time i've also learnt alot and i've grown over it.

i'm writing with a broken heart... a broken heart and a broken promise that failed God and also disappointed you and myself.

What good is he? what are the things he did that made you so hard to let him go? Where were him where you need someone to comfort you? Where were him when you heart is crying out for him and every tear was shed for him and only for him alone? Where were him when you sacrificed so much that you even decided to keep every pain and hurt and guit all to yourself to carry? Where were him all this while? You tried every way possible that he will be able to understand how you feel... but where were him? Did he try to understand? Did he try to even care?

You've already written countless times, it is not worth to be grieving like this... and what are you saying in the end? Even without him, you're willing to wait till the end, knowing that he will never return, but you will still continue to wait... and you will still think of him... and you felt that you owe him your life... and you will submit to him for everything he request upon you and whatever he wants you to do you will do... because of something you've done in honor of God?

if it's possible i even want to slap you awake so that you really know what you are actually saying yourself...

i'm rebuking myself at the same time...
i wanted to give you up and live over it... but i didn't know that you are still someone so important... to me... i tried... i wanted all my heart to give you up and that God will ONLY be the one and only person that i'm willing to give my heart and my life and to die for... and until tonight i've only realized that i've failed Him in every hope He has on me... and also myself... and also you. i tried... i really tried...

just want to let you know that, like it or not, every pain you're going through is also every pain i'm going through...it's a fact... unless i'm lying to myself

p.s: those who do not understand the situation stay free from my comment box

an empty chair and a broken mirror

This is a sad feeling... the feeling of loneliness. i need to overcome it... i can't... but i have to... i must... it's nothing... it's nothing more than just a feeling... i must overcome it... but i just can't...

It seems that i've been lonely and sad for so long i fell in love with it... i have to admit it... my mouth says that i'm sad... i feel lonely... it's not a good thing... but somehow i seem to be enjoying the feeling of it... i'm happy to be sad...i must be out of my mind...

you are not alone... i fell the same when you cry... when your heart breaks... when people misunderstands you. It hurts me more to see you suffer alone. Why must it be you? Why can't i take your place? You don't have to go through it alone. You have me. A simple prayer will do. God hears every word when it comes straight from the heart.

When will the sadness end? Until the point where we can take it no more? Till our Father in Heaven take us home? Lord we need Your healing more than ever... end our agony... dry our tears... with Your love.

shimmering blade...

If you've known me for some time you might probably feel that i'm a bit different from the other guys. My hair, my fashion sense, my attitude, my expression... no doubt, i'm a rocker, but i'm not the kind you would want to relate to Linkin Park, Korn or Metallica.

Rock is an art form to me. My roots are based on japanese rock, an art form way too deep to be expressed into words.

Rock is not just some big bad guys in lame looking t shirts and worn jeans holding a beaten up Gibson thrashing power chords trying to look mean.

My definition of rock is: Cool wild hair, clothing you cannot get anywhere else but in the fashion temple of Shibuya, Japan, eyelined eyes and silver glossy lips, an out-of-this-world guitar and an attitude of a battle-ready samurai.

If you have heard of Final Fantasy Advent Children, try imagine Cloud or Sephiroth holding the guitar above instead of their blades.

Yes, my guitar is my blade, my greatest weapon.

My favourite bands are Glay, Luna Sea and Dir en grey. Guitarists that inspired me the most are:

Hisashi (Glay)



















Sugizo (Luna Sea)



















Kaoru (Dir en grey)



















...respectively.

They are more than guitarists. They are warriors.

broken lives, broken hearts, He will make them whole...

Woke up at 6.30 am today. Had a wierd but sad dream about Diana Ross's song called "When you tell me that you love me". Although it may sound kinda odd to you readers but the lyrics of the song somehow meant something really precious. To me it was not the normal kinda song i would listen to and the song you sing to your beloved sweetheart. It was more than that, something i want to cry out to someone important... God... My Lord Jesus.

This is something what i felt in my heart:

I wanna call the stars Down from the sky I wanna live a day That never dies I wanna change the world Only for you All the impossible I wanna do I wanna hold you close Under the rain I wanna kiss your smile And feel the pain I know what's beautiful Looking at you In a world of lies You are the truth Then somehow i felt that God said: Everytime you touch me I become a hero I'll make you safe No matter where you are And bring you Everything you ask for Nothing is above me I'm shining like a candle in the dark When you tell me that you love me my next expression was like: I wanna make you see Just what I was Show you the loneliness And what it does You walked into my life To stop my tears Everything's easy now I have you here God somehow said again: Everytime you touch me I become a hero I'll make you safe No matter where you are And bring you Everything you ask for Nothing is above me I'm shining like a candle in the dark When you tell me that you love me i felt that what my heart's crying out was: In a world without you I would always hunger All I need is your love to make me stronger and God's final answer to me was: And baby Everytime you touch me I become a hero I'll make you safe No matter where you are And bring you Everything you ask for Nothing is above me I'm shining like a candle in the dark When you tell me that you love me You love me When you tell me that you love me i somehow woke up in tears. Not the kind of morning i would expect before going to class. i felt really sad. i needed God more than ever in my life. My heart crys out for Him so loud that it hurts. Maybe i'm starting to get carried away by something else again. But above all thanks be to God for speaking to me. It's gladness and healing to be able to listen to His voice. If you feel that you want to pray for me as you read this blog, i do really appreciate it very much. Thanks for your prayers. God bless you.

Forever and ever

Close your eyes, you can still feel
The voice of the heart and the faint sighs

How long How much can you be hurt
Dream on If you allow me, I want to love you

Time changes all and strives to change me, too
If we fight, it hurts

If we surrender, we go under
And many people are lost and hurt

They let go of their most precious thing

Even if it breaks me into pieces
I want to keep believing, keep feeling till it ceases
The eternity deep in my heart
So, remember

That body, soul, mind, blood, tears, dreams, love, pain, and joy
Cause, they're so precious

So bright Shining, I continue to believe
Tonight Let's journey into the middle of the light

"Out from my chaos to grace"

Forever and ever And what day

Forever and ever Unchanging

God heals

Today was a tired day. Wanted to get things done but didn't manage to in the end. Felt tired the whole day. Didn't know why as i already had a good night's rest. Maybe spiritually i'm not okay... i dunno why...

Went to cellgroup. Aiks~! forgot that it's already the second of november and i haven't bought the lrt monthly pass ticket. And my wallet only have RM7... not to say not enough but i dunno how to survive after that... well, took the lrt straight to my mei mei's place. Rained half way though, but praise God it was just drizzling so i walked as fast as i could to her apartment.

Today's the first day of cellgroup in my mei mei's place! Praise God! It has finally come to pass! Met some new faces there. Got to know Michael Ngoi, which is also from the same college as me, Sophia took her mom to cellgroup, and met a senior called Ju Bin from my college. It was quite different since we are having cellgroup in a new place, but no doubt God's spirit filled the whole place. i can sense it.

Cellgroup was great as always. Have a nutty ice breaker, great worship, long session of testimony sharing (mine was outrageous) and a word of faith spoken by Sophia. Was a bit disappointed as there were no prayer, so we ended early. The girls quietly went to my mei mei's room taking aunty Grace (sophia's mom) with them to have a prayer. How unfair... girls have their blessings while we guys waited outside for them to finish so that we can have dinner...

Somehow Calvin chong had a problem with his car being clammed so me and Danny went down with him to help out. After we came out, aunty Grace was praying for everyone, so we were also prayed for. As aunty was praying for Danny, God started to touch me... i felt that i cannot hold on my tired and weary soul if front of God's presence. It was my turn. As soon as the moment aunty layed hands on my back to pray, i was already in tears. Tears of helplessness... tears of hopelessness... tears of despair...

God's voice seemed to be speaking to me directly through Aunty's prayers. i've been seeking for attention and i'm seeking it from the wrong place as God was always there for me but i didn't seek for Him. He was crying out for me. i felt so sad for i've made Him felt unable to help me. However the more i heard God's voice, the more i felt release. There was even a deliverance against a spirit inside of me. I don't know what kind of spirit it is but i know it no longer was in me after i submitted myself to God. After i was finished prayed for, i felt total joy and release. God has healed me. Hallelujah~!

Forgive me...

Father i'm weak. i'm a sinner. Many times i've waged war with satan but i still lose in the end. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. How can i win this battle that seems impossible? Lord You say when i depend on Your strength You will promise me victory, Lord teach me how to depend on You.

Lord make a way for me...

Other battles You have helped me won, Lord can You help me with this one? Maybe from this situation i have to trust my life on You. If i treasure my life, i'll lose it. Lord give me peace and give me confort. Lord forgive me for i'm little and small in faith. i'm like a wounded soldier wandering for help and my enemy is drawing his blade behind me. Lord help me defeat my enemy as he is also your enemy.

... Let Your Name be glorified...

Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

Weep, and you weep alone;

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost in the air;

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

but shrink form voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek for you;

Grieve, and they turn and go;

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But the do not need you woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many,

Be sad, and you lose them all-

There are none to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, it helps you live.

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a large and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

For the first time i've tasted victory...

It has been the longest week of my life. On last saturday night's service my pastor preached about stand firm on the truth. Somehow i felt that God will make this topic the most unforgettable one in my life. In fact He did and i was being made to put it into practise.

Right after the night of Saturday service i was facing my first challenge. There were past relationships revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that i felt that i need to let go and turn away. Somehow the devil threatened me that if i dare to turn away from it, he will expose everything and the consiquences are: i will lose my friends, i will lose my family, i will lose my reputation, i will lose my future, and the most important thing, i will disgrace God's name. It was really a struggle for me to make a decision, but i finally made it and thank God everything turned out okay. I'm really glad i stood firm in God.

On thursday and friday i had a recording session and performance. Last two months back my band managed to get into the seventh place in the top ten bands in a band competition and we were entitled to record our song for the compilation album for free and the day was on thursday. Friday was a performance for my drummer's college night event. So happened on thursday my cellgroup had prayer meeting for friday's cellgroup multiplication event and friday was the cellgroup celebration and multiplication event itself.

At first i've already made up my mind that i will go for the recording session and preformance as i've already practised alot and gave a lot of effort on it. On thursday just an hour before the recording, i met my cell intern online so i told her i will not be going for the prayer and cellgroup celebration. She challenged me to let go of the recording and performance, which to me was impossible because it's a once in a life time chance. But God rebuked me and i felt that i should honor Him first. It was also another hard decision for me to make. It was my biggest sacrifice that i had decided to let go of it and went to prayer meeting and cellgroup. And i'm glad i did. Praise God.

Of course, i have to bear the consequences. My bandmates were really disappointed in me. They were so disappointed to the point that they wept. i felt really bad too. i understand how it feels to be left in the last minute. i believe that they will not be talking to me for some time. Somehow i felt that i've lost my friends.

Friday morning, barely six o'clock in the morning before the sun has even rise, my phone rang and my mom was on the phone and she brought me bad news. my grandfather had passed away at 5 in the morning. I was not able to attend the cellgroup celebration. Somehow my cellgroup intern met me again online and we prayed that God will allow me to stay for the cellgroup celebration. Praise God that God answered my prayers and my aunt called me to follow my uncle's car back to hometown the next day.

I have to prepare myself for the funeral. My family is from a buddhist background and my grandmother is a medium. There will be a lot od spiritual attacks on me, especially i will be forced to hold joss sticks and to bow down to idols. I prayed hard through the journey back, praying that God will help me stand firm and God will make a way for me.

I arrived back in Ipoh at the parlour. The funeral service was about to start and i was told to hold joss sticks through out the ceremony. As the josssticks were being passed to me from my mom, i rejected them. My mom insisted on me that i must hold, but i stood firm and i refused. There were also alot of other people who called me to hold joss sticks, including my grandmother and aunt. But thank God i didn't submit to it. i've come so far and i stood my ground so far. i don't want to blow everything away just because i slacked on the last second.

The funeral has ended, and i've won the battle in the end.

But somehow the devil just refused to let me go and insist i carry on with the battle. There i was in the hospital the next day for a medical check up about the swell on my neck. The doctor suspected that i've developed Goiter. It's a kind of swelling of a gland in the neck which causes the neck to balloon up and it isn't a pretty sight. So the doctor's suggestion is if tested positive i need to undergo a surgery to remove it. Please God, i don't want any surgery. It was really disturbing and i somehow fell on that... i was kind of down... maybe i'm tired and i can't continue anymore. my level of faith dropped and i started to think of quitting. Thank God for my supporting sisters who waked me up with the word of God and finally came back to my senses and to gather myself up. i'm ready now. God is my strength and God is with me.

Just want to thank everyone who had helped me to go through this week. It's been really challenging and without you all, i don't think i'll ever be able to taste victory in God's name. Thanks to Sophia, Ewilly, Gillian, Michael and Danny for their never ending encouragement prayers and encouragement. And to Shan Shang, thanks for the challenge that helped me overcame myself so i can overcome other challenges ahead. And to Jon Lai, thanks for being my accountable brother and to pray and fast for me. I really appreciate everything you guys had sacrificed for me. And most of all, all thanks, honor and glory be to God, reign high in heaven above, for seeing me through every moment. Even though it will never be an ending battle, i believe You will make sure i'll be victorious till the very end. Halellujah~